I’m waiting for my next lotto ticket to pay off or for a long-lost uncle to leave me his fortune. Until then, I can’t fully live by the mantra of N+1. But why not plan ahead while I wait for riches?
I've picked out a baker’s dozen of bikes from The Pro’s Closet to form my ultimate dream bike quiver.
Climbing road bike
2021 Specialized S-Works Aethos - $12,478.99
I’ve been trying to lose weight, but until I miraculously return to my high school physique, I can rely on this 13lbs 10oz Aethos to be my crutch on the steepest climbs.
Aero road bike
2019 Cervelo S5 - $9,119.99
Aero is everything, right? With a slippery S5, my riding partners won’t stand a chance when I do my best Wout van Aert impression and win a sprint finish or crush a breakaway.
Endurance road bike
2020 Canyon Endurace CF SLX Disc 9.0 - $7,747.99
Race bikes are great fun but I also need a comfy endurance bike like this Endurace to keep my backside happy on all of the double-centuries I’ll surely ride in the future.
Gravel bike
Open U.P. - $5,718.99
When gravel riding started taking over cycling, the beautiful Open U.P. was the first bike I lusted over thanks to a combination of clean lines and bold paint. Someday, I hope to own one for real.
Sendy gravel bike
Evil Chamois Hagar - $4,618.99
Just look at how absurdly long and slack this Chamois Hagar is. I don’t know why I want to try it but it’s just too weird and cool to resist.
XC mountain bike
2020 Trek Supercaliber 9.8 - $4,999.99
With age comes injuries. Because of a disintegrating knee, my days of racing hardtails are over. Fortunately, the Supercaliber combines hardtail efficiency with a bit of extra squish.
Trail mountain bike
2021 Revel Rascal - $7,590.99
A mid-travel trail bike will be the mountain bike I ride most so it’s got to shred and stand out from the crowd. The flashy orange Rascal hits all the right notes.
Enduro mountain bike
2020 Orbea Rallon M-Ltd - $7,103.99
Plush coil shocks are the secret to going downhill at ludicrous speeds, or so I tell myself. This Rallon has a Fox DHX2 and 170/160m of travel so I can send massive jumps and drops without fear.
Fat bike
2016 Salsa Beargrease SUS - $2,648.99
I’ve created the perfect indoor trainer set-up for snowy winter days, but with a Beargrease fat bike I can actually venture outside while everyone else is stuck riding in the virtual world.
Recovery day e-bike
2021 Santa Cruz Heckler CC - $9,358.99
I love electric mountain bikes because they’re fun and they let you work on your descending skills and get in more laps. The Heckler is the perfect recovery ride tool.
Bar bike
2019 Rodeo Labs Flaanimal 4.0 - $3,253.99
I’d rather not drive to get my 7-Eleven hot dogs or visit the local bars. That’s where this steel singlespeed Flaanimal comes in. I can neglect it, lock it up outside, and relive my glory days riding fixies in college.
Triathlon bike… wait, really?
2017 Dimond Marquise - $4,723.99
I know what you’re thinking, “Bruce, you can barely doggy paddle.” Sure I won’t be first out of the water, but with this wild Marquise tri bike I can make up time on all the age-groupers in the bike leg.
Just because bike
2020 Cannondale Treadwell Neo EQ - $2,171.99
This bike is more for my cat than me. I saw the Treadwell’s basket and immediately thought my cute li’l Sebastian could lounge there and get some wind in his fur on our weekly trips to the farmer’s market.
Added up, the total cost for this bike quiver is $81,537.87. With that sort of money I could remodel my entire house or send my son to college. Oh well, I suppose that’s why it’s a dream bike quiver. Anyway, I'm off to buy some Powerball tickets.
What do you think? Does my ultimate dream quiver have too many bikes or too few? What’s missing? A DH bike? A cyclocross bike? What would your dream bike quiver look like? Let me know in the comments!
